I have a love-hate relationship with my job. It has always been my absolute dream job to work around horses every day, to care for them and oversee their daily needs. So, in that respect, I’m tremendously blessed to have started my dream job (on my dream property) before I ever turned 30. What I didn’t know when I started this business is that it would fill my cup to overflowing at at times, and then suddenly and rapidly empty it, just to start the process all over again.
A couple weeks ago, one of boarders died. Horses die. Animals die. Humans die. I know all that! But, this was different, because it just was too early for him. This horse injured himself while on turnout and he wasn’t going to recover. So he died. His human lost her very best friend. And I had a front row seat to witness the whole thing. More than front row–I was actively involved. I was there for the first emotional vet appointment, and hauled him to the second. I’m grateful I didn’t have to take him to his last.
You know what else? This isn’t the first horse to have died here. This is not the first time I’ve had to sit in this roller coaster seat taking me on a ride guaranteeing the highest highs and lowest lows I’ve ever experienced.
These are the moments that make me want to sell. To move to a normal house and be a normal person without all the responsibility.
Naturally, I’ve struggled with balancing my work-life and my home-life lately. How are you supposed to do that anyway, if you live at your work place?! They ultimately always bleed together. It is concerning to me when I can’t focus on my children playing because I’m so wrapped up in what is going on with other people’s horses. That can’t be healthy.
With all that said, I’ve learned a lot in the past couple weeks. I’ve to really hit my knees and hand this one over to God. Here’s what He’s taught me:
- God uses all things for His glory. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a more than upset with God over this one. Didn’t I ask Him to heal this horse, after all? To save him? Doesn’t He have the ability to just *POOF!* heal the horse?! Yes, but he didn’t . And I don’t know why. But, I do know God still loves me and He has a plan.
- It’s okay to tell God how I really feel. He already knows anyway! So, I’ve had some pretty raw and angry conversations with God lately.
- I never want to stop being engaged with my boarders and their horses, but when the responsibility starts casting a shadow over my family, it’s time to take a step back. It’s okay to wait to return a text or a call if it’s not urgent, and it’s okay to say, “no.”
- These are not my horses. These horses belong to other people–not me. I’ve had to chant this one over and over to myself on a range of situations. I can advise and encourage, but I cannot pretend like these horses belong to me and make decisions for them. I have my own horses to care for. Period.
- Don’t make hasty decisions when I’m emotional. Just don’t do that. Take a step back and breathe for a minute.
- The only person I live to please is God. Not my husband, not my friends, not even my boarders. I will live for Christ’s approval and His alone. This is incredibly freeing for a people-pleaser like me. Who doesn’t want people to like them?! But it’s not worth losing my sanity or my joy over. Because, guess what? There will always ALWAYS be someone who doesn’t like you, or doesn’t agree with you, or hates your pricing, or writes you mean notes, or calls you names, or yells at you, or makes you cry, or makes you feel invisible, or betrays you–all of which I have personally experienced! As I’m sure, so have you. So I will choose to live for Christ’s approval and His alone, because by His grace He already accepts me and loves me despite all my faults.
Phew. I needed to get that all off my chest. Blogging is therapy, people.
My birthday was a couple days ago, and I hope-and pray-that this next year will be full of happy moments, satisfying saddle time, and spiritual growth that soars beyond what I’ve ever imagined. Because bad things will always happen, won’t they? Yeah, they will. I can count on that. No matter where I live, or what my job is. But with His help, I will be able to step on top of those “bad things” and rise victoriously.